Archive for Teenz

AxXess To God’z PreZenze

In seeking God’s presence, it’ s not about what we deserve. If it was, we wouldn’t have anything coming to us. It’s about the fact that He made the choice to die for us BEFORE we were born. He made the choice to forgive us BEFORE we sinned. He made the choice to Love us BEFORE we knew and Loved Him. God is a God of great mercy and graciousness. Doubts and fears are just poisonous arrows that keep us at an unnecessary distance from Him. He didn’t go through all that He went through just to abandon us. He did it so that He would always have access to us, and us access to Him. If we could just set aside our blinders of insecurity, we would notice there is a clear path and open doorway that lead directly to His throne!! Instead of letting the worries of this world ensnare and enslave you, focus on one of the great promises He gave to us:

“Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart, I will be found by you” declares The Lord…” Jer 29:12-14a

The key words here are “with all your heart”. If your heart is crowded with sin, doubt, insecurity,fear and worry, you can’t seek Him with all of your heart. Keeping your heart clean and clear is a daily thing that has to happen at His throne. It may even need to happen several times a day!! All that matters is that you make your way to His throne and then make a continual choice to stay there! Don’t let the enemy move you because, through the authority and power that you have through Christ, he has no ability to do so! He can ONLY be successful at pulling you away if YOU let him. It is solely by keeping your eyes and focus on God that you will never give the enemy room in your life!!

Abandon yourself to God and let Him transform you into the person He originally created you to be! Acknowledge Him in all your ways and trust Him wholeheartedly to lead you in ways and directions that are bigger than you could ever think or dream of for yourself!!! And in making your way to His throne remember to approach it with confidence:

“Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Heb 4:16

Krizteen
“He must become Greater; I must become less” Jn 3:30

Jud-ger

If I had to describe myself I would say I was thoughtful, kind, generous, fun-loving, have a great sense of humor, boisterous, OCD ish, passionate, well meaning and a heart that truly seeks after God.  I am working very hard at using good words here…lol.  I am very hard on myself and I don’t usually have much grace to hand to me.  I can hand it out all day to everyone else, but not myself!!  I just have very high expectations for myself and I usually don’t reach them!  The sad thing is, in all my efforts, I still seem to rub people the wrong way :/.  Try as i might, I can set out to prove to someone I Love them and, before I know it, they think I hate them.   This has actually happened…twice!!!  Weird.

Every time something goes awry, I will go before The Lord and really take a good look at what happened and why.   In most cases, if not all, I never saw it coming.  This is probably what throws me the most.  Why didn’t I see it coming?!??!  What did I miss?!?!?  I cannot even count how many times I have been misunderstood or misquoted or my intentions taken wrong.  Many people will say that if it keeps happening to one person, maybe it’s that person that is the issue.  I can’t say I disagree either.  Which is why I try to figure out what I did or am doing!!!  I just can’t seem to nail it down and it really frustrates me because I would like to stop doing whatever it is that I am doing wrong.

Here is one example:  We started a church plant with a guy who was very good at preaching.  We thought his heart was genuine and my husband was excited about joining his ministry.  I wasn’t but I didn’t want to hold him back so I supported the move.  In the beginning the Pastor met with us and said that he was so excited to have us on board because I had a past that would contribute to the city people we were going to be reaching out to (I came from a hard core family and ended up on the streets before I was saved) and he felt that I would be a valuable voice in the mix.  We became the youth group leaders and began the journey into “saving the city”.  We gave all we could give to this ministry but found ourselves very frustrated by some actions and decisions the Pastor was making.  We would very respectfully talk about it and would choose to support him when he would give his reasoning, although we did not always agree with him.  After about 6 months we decided to meet with him to talk about some difficulties we were having with the ministry as it was not growing and the direction had taken a severe turn from our original discussions.  We met in a restaurant with he, his wife, my husband and myself.  Our only goal was to talk things out, get some direction, and try to understand where the ministry was headed.  About 10 minutes into the conversation, the Pastor began to say things that were totally out of the blue.  By the end of the 20 minute conversation, I had been called an unsubmissive wife, unstable, emotional, and accused of lying!!!  The attack on my character was so bad that my husband, who has a great respect for people and rarely speaks against anyone, took a stand and told him that if he did not stop speaking to me in the manner he was that we were going to leave.  The Pastor refused and we left both the restaurant and the church.

As I recall that night now I can see it for what it was:  A very old fashioned person who could not reconcile my personality with his legalistic beliefs.  However, at that time, I was deeply crushed and devastated.  As we drove home I was an emotional mess, crying my eyes out,  and I looked to my husband and I asked him to please be gut wrenching honest with me.  Did he think I was all the things the Pastor was saying about me?  He looked me straight in the eye and said absolutely not.  He went back over every situation the Pastor had brought up and reminded me that he was present  and that he saw how things had been twisted and turned against me.  He knew I hadn’t lied because he was there!!!  The interesting thing is this.  My husband was there in almost every instance that was brought up and we had made certain decisions together, but , I was the one who was targeted as the bad person, not him.  He was the youth leader, I was the assistant but everything fell on me!!   Weird.

As I moved through the next few months I struggled with this attack because I had set out to Love the youth kids, his daughter included, support the ministry, and see God move on our city.  In the end, the pastor’s daughter was the one who lied about my words and my actions, the ministry was not furthered, and the city didn’t even know we were there.  What did I do in those six months that I didn’t realize I was doing?!?!  What made the Pastor go from being so happy to have me on board to judging me so badly he didn’t even know the real me??!!  Even as I write this I am trying to think of what I did but all I can come up with is that maybe I was just too honest.  If you ask me a question, I am going to answer you with complete honesty.  That Pastor asked me what I thought quite a bit and, apparently, he wasn’t liking my answers.  I don’t know, still haven’t fully figured it out but I have since laid it all on God’s Throne and moved on with my life gleaning what lessons I needed to learn.  In fact, I haven’t even thought about this in a few years but it is a great example of what I mean when I say I wish I could see what I am doing because I am often misunderstood.

My husband once said to me: “You are an easy person to judge because you put yourself out there.  Most people won’t do that and so they don’t get attention.  Unfortunately, the attention you get is not always good.  But don’t change because I Love that about you.”  That’s enough for me.  If he Loves me this way, then I’m all good.  Mostly :).

I still go to God every day and lay my heart, mind, spirit and soul out before Him, asking Him to search me and know my heart, to test me and know my anxious thoughts, to see if there is any offensive way in me and change me.  I will continue to do this and hope that people who put themselves out there be given more grace, more understanding, the benefit of the doubt, and loved just as they are.  We ARE easy to judge.  But that doesn’t make it right for us to BE judged.  God made us who we are and, just like everyone else, we have a right to be free in who we are :).  So the next time you are tempted to judge someone, please remember that they are who God made them and your perspective is not necessarily the correct one.  View all people through God’s eyes and funnel your thoughts through Him first.  He might even show you something about them that you would never have seen without His assistance.  Let’s Love one another unconditionally and leave the judging out of the equation!!!

What Is Normal…?

Lately I have been feeling like I am not normal.  Like, my mind doesn’t work right.  I told my husband this and his response was simply “Meh, no one’s does”.  I thought that was the most profound thing I had heard in a long time!!  I even think he is right!  It brought me into more ‘mazeful’ thinking and I can’t even tell you the directions I have gone into this with.  

The psychological definition of normal is:  Approximately average in any trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment; free from any mental disorder; sane

As I read that, I realized:  “I don’t want to be THAT!!!”  Who would want to be normal if it means that you don’t stand apart from the crowd, that you blend in so much that no one sees you?!?!  It isn’t me and I am realizing that I’m okay with this.  The only drawback is that when you do stand out, you end up being a target sometimes.  I have been misquoted, misunderstood, and misjudged more times than I can count.  Why?  Because I stood out!  Because I had the courage to be different…to be ME.  

I realize now that, what I previously thought was discouragement, was really exhaustion.  I’m tired of feeling guilty for who I am.  I just want to be me and not have to deal with people’s hang ups with it.  I have found more security in being me in the last 7 years, but those same years have caused me a lot of heartache.  I am really a well-meaning, kind, thoughtful, and loving person.  Unfortunately, people funnel these traits into their own interpretations and take me completely the wrong way.

I’m not saying that I don’t care about people.  What I AM saying is that I am working on not taking your views of how you think people should act like or behave and applying them to who I am.  I am NOT who you want me to be because I’m not you.  I Love what my son has as his texting signature:  I AM ME…Awesome!  I am taking a huge lesson from my precious young son and proclaiming that from now on I will walk in HUMBLE CONFIDENCE and choose to say to the world and all of those around me that….I AM ME!!!  If you can accept that, welcome to my life.  If you can’t, enjoy the company of others because I am staying just the way I am with the exception of allowing my God to speak to me and change me if HE sees fit.  To Him I will gladly conform.  But only to HIM. 🙂

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